subbing is really awful. sometimes there are five minutes left in the day and i still want to quit. i mean i'm sure i used to maul subs too. it's the perfect opportunity to be completely unproductive. these kids are crazy. they are all over the place. there isn't even half a second to thank the good kids who are doing their work. sometimes i wonder if the battles are worth it or to what point. ive never given a kid detention though i suppose a few have deserved it. ugh i dont know. maybe it would help if some of these schools ever paid me! i need my paychecks to come in the mail so that i can be reminded. also i might start drinking every day.

i talked to jon n last night. he told me he hated teaching and was going back to be a guidance counselor. i couldnt imagine another couple years of school. getting a masters is all about jumping through hoops to get your degree and not about anything profound or useful. whenever ive gotten to work with small groups of students it has been so nice.

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that's what the world does to nice people. that's what i told my mom tonight when she told me that my dad's aunt marie had died. she was just such a kind, smiling person. her adopted son got her to sell her house and she moved in with him. he spent all their money. apparently he also stole from tennants when he pretended to be a landlord and asked for down payments. i'm so sorry to her that her life ended in that way. it should have been beautiful. it's so sad to think about the hopes and dreams we have for children and ...what happens. her last name was even bonavita, to make things even more tragic, which is hardly possible. my grandmother got the news from her son, who called and hung up, probably because he has no money to even deal with her death. he spent all of her money. and even more recently when i saw her it was never something she was bitter about or even wanted to acknowledge. she would never shut anyone out or write them off no matter how much they had wronged her. he was her only son. she bought him a car before he was even old enough to drive it, and not because they were swimming in money, which they weren't, but because he wanted it.