life

i feel like i'm in a "mushed in-between" stage of life right now. there is the 4 year vacation that is college, when you wake up for lunch and go to sleep in the morning and everyone around you is doing the same and it is all excellent. then there is this 20-something thing. when i'm at my job next year i'll be surrounded by people who are, for the most part, older than me and with families. heck, i even know quite a few people my age with kids. they at least have this defined lifestyle that makes sense and is exciting for them in its way. i mean, not that i want to rush that part of my life but i feel too old to fall off barstools and i still want to do that. maybe i just miss my group of friends and i've been kind of avoiding my college age friends because i think i don't belong in that scene anymore either. i don't want to be the person that refused to grow up, or hangs out in dorms, but i do still want to be that person of course. and living in a college town those are the people who stick around. sometimes i wish i was back home, but the thought of spending a month home over the summer makes me panic at times. not that there aren't things that i wouldn't love about it, but sadly i'm hopeless and i will miss ed way too much.
i always said it was bad to get tied down too early, but i've been tied down since i was born since my family is close and so that is one thing pulling me back from doing something crazy like spending a summer abroad or joining the peace corps. of course, these are self-imposed restrictions, but what can you do? ed is another one to add to the list, but now each of them pulls me in different directions. my family wants me back home. i don't know what i want except to have all of them around as much as possible. i'll see how the next year goes i guess.